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cut off his johnson.   
09:37pm 06/06/2008
  it stings to hear your boyfriend tell you that in 4 or 5 years your going to be alone, with your cat.

i got promoted. i am officially in farm 'management.' lower management but still... i now have control over a bunch of drunken mexican men. who dont take women seriously at all. they think that the only thing im good for is for making babies... and maybe someday learning how to cook and clean.

a couple years of this and maybe i will be alone. or a lesbian.

i need someone i can connect with. on so much more than a physical level. i dont know if i believe in that anymore though.		  
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dandilions   
02:15pm 27/04/2008
 
mood: empty
a week and a half ago, i cleaned my apartment. i had the closest thing to butterflies for the first time in years. (for the first time since i looked out the rear view mirror and watched isaac walk away from me, skateboard in hand, outside store 24 in the late spring, to be exact). i repainted my toenails, made cookies, opened the shades on the windows, went grocery shopping and caught 'spring fever.'


its funny how quickly that can change. its like the dust resurfaced, the dishes piled up and making my bed just wasnt worth it. i remember why butterflies became meaningless after the first time i got fucked. he was drunk, and after months i was finally willing. butterflies are for those innocent lusts that include long walks that climax when your hands meet. not those strolls that pick up speed on the way back to your bed.

the last time i trusted a guy, he left his phone in my truck. i KNEW he had nothing to hide and just wanted to smile knowing what a great guy i had so i looked at his calls and messages. i cried on my way to riding as i read through messages saying "please dont tell my boyfriend" and "when do you want to meet for drinks." calls were made to her twice a day and i saw a text message from two nights earlier at 2 o'clock in the morning that, when i asked at 2 o'clock that morning right before getting fucked, he said was from his boy jay. he had a smile on his face as he read it.

i can't help but flinch when a guy touches my hand or my hair or my back. i can't help but hear words guys say and imagine who else they were said to. i can't help but think that any guy who is my friend only wants something in return and i can't help but dispise when guys noticebly look at girls. still, i can't help but let guys fuck me if merely out of boredom.

last night the boy i was with got 4 or 5 calls which he didnt answer. he said he didnt know the number. he got drunk and answered a private call at midnight in which a girl proceeded to yell at him while he said "im sorry, im drunk, im sleeping." i intervined only by hanging up the call and proceeded to interegate him about why he couldn't tell her straight up what was going on. his answers went through me because the act alone showed me what type of 'man' we is, even if he has 'changed so much' for me. i don't know why it bothers me. i know i dont want to be with this guy for anything more than a fling. but once in a while it would be nice to be the only one someone wants at that place and time.

the dandilions here look like snow when the wind blows. sitting next to a man as we drove by them, he told me that if he was 20 years younger he would be knocking on my door. he brings me conversation i have lacked the past year, hes married and has a few kids. hes just another fucked up relationship i have. its not physical, and never will be, but i was thinking to myself how nice it would be to open the door for him, if he was 20 years younger. i think my life is always at the wrong place and time.		  
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its hard out there for a pimp   
03:07pm 14/04/2008
  i have all these different ideas with no conclusions.

fortunes never rang more true for us :

"only you can decide whats important to you"
"the best times of your life have not yet been lived"


the question is if these fortunes have room for each other in them.		  
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dont stay gone too long   
11:38pm 04/04/2008
  i really want a guy who asks how my day is going and cares about the whys and details (even when it doesnt involve him)
who can sit in my truck, listen to my music, and deal with me driving like a maniac with my hand on his... and someone i can feel safe with in their passengers seat.
who wants to watch me ride and has something for me to watch them do
who is laid back
who doesnt complain nonstop about their job (or about my cats)
who doesnt block their number when they call me and doesnt ask whose calling when my phone rings.
who wants to drink shot for shot
who can keep me up all night, and take a nap with me after work the next day
who will go to the bookstore with me, and will take me to shows afterward.
who takes me back, even if only for a little while
who writes letters and sends me a flower every now and then
who will go to the races with me, and strategically bet on horses (even if his strategy is to bet on the ones with the coolest names)
who says my friends are pretty, but im his type, and leaves it at that.
who'll give me vicadin without judging what its for
who understands my family comes first, but may want to become part of it someday
who will look me in the eye when ive gone to far and kiss me to let me know its okay.
who thinks the best of my good days are worth the worst of my bad ones

i want someone who is only a romantic for me
who may have been in love before (and can understand that i have)
but doesnt think about her when hes with me, and who makes me forget about who i was before i was with them


i want someone on the same boat, and who fits my every curve.		  
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potential?   
01:55am 01/04/2008
  ive met him once... on st pats day. his name is grant, i believe

i saw him tonight at this party. went out to smoke a bowl. came back and he was gone.

i kind of hope i run into him again. i think id be more likely to approach him again next time. he does seem to be friendly and well hes sort of cute. not quite my normal type. i think hes irish. maybe english. whatev. accents are cool right?

im drunk. and a little high.


gotta love partying with the irish. and waking up at 5:30 the enxt morning.


fuccccckkkkkkkkk		  
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resurection?   
10:33pm 23/03/2008
 
mood: drunk
i spent my easter working (obviously).

i miss home on holidays.

i made myself dinner and a few lemon drop martini's and am comtemplating sleeping (at 8pm). i set a dinner offer forth and he said he would call between 5 and 5:30. i made dinner for two and never got a call. i guess he chose to go to ohio instead. in a way im glad because now ill have leftovers tomorrow.

my dinner was pork because kroger didnt have lamb. what kind of supermarket doesnt have lamb? fckn neocons.




sometimes i wonder if i should just settle down with an older man. that sentence answers itself... since im never planning on settling and the words "older man" kind of gross me out. the guy i offered dinner to was not older (well 2 years older) but i have been relating (in a non sexual way) to older white men recently and i find it easy and interesting. one does intrigue me if only because well i dont know. maybe i just need to find me my sugar daddy.		  
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war and the presidential elections   
12:37pm 19/03/2008
  First, I must say that if you are reading this, please read the whole thing consciously. If you are not going to do so, do not read. Any comments on this would be appreciated.




I am horrified about what will happen if a democrat becomes our commander in cheif. As much as I believe we shouldnt be in Iraq, I believe more strongly in finishing what was begun. If troops are removed as soon as possible, like Obama and Clinton want to do, we will “lose” this “war.” We fucked things up over there. To leave them worse than they were before would ruin the integrity of America, and our citizens, even more.
We are a disqusting nation in a lot of ways. America doesn’t run on dunkins coffee, but more on corporate greed and individual instant gradification. 5 years literally is a lifetime for some people... such as children in Africa born with aids or suffering with malaria. However, in most places in the world, lifespans are soaring and we can afford to spend more time (and more of our precious money) to fix what we have wronged to the BEST of our ability. To elect a new president on the basis of removing our troops immediately would be a disgrace.
I do care about our troops and I think its beyond awful how many lives have been lost and how many soldiers are returning to the frontlines for their third or fourth terms. I dont think we are fighting the “right war,” as McCain or Bush would tell us, however if we pull our troops and leave Iraq in the state that its in, their country will deteriorate, the extremists and al quida will expand again and our country will be left in an extremely vulnerable state.
As an objectivist, as I believe I am becoming, I believe that someone should “always act in accordance with the heirarchy of [their] values and never sacrifice a greater value for a lesser one.” Furthermore, we must be rational. As Ayn Rand states, “Man’s basic vice is the act of unfocusing his mind, the suspension of his consciousness, which is not blindness, but the refusal to see, not ignorance, but the refusal to know.” I strongly believe that what America would be doing in taking out troops at this point is unfocusing their minds in order to fulfill their instant gratification while “sacrificing” one of the greatest values of all, for a lesser one.
I am learning that being both an objectivist and a quaker is conflicting in many ways, however not as conflicting as many people might believe (if they are familiar with both realms of thought). It is also easier being on the outside of the war because I can look at it from a quaker perspective and realize that the suffering going on overseas is greater than what is going on at home. I recognize the suffering of families, however one must appreciate the pride, courage and productiveness of their loved ones and realize that they are, or should be, fighting for what they believe. As an objectivist I can hope that the troops are acting on their highest values and believe that their reason and pupose is helping achieve their ultimate goals in life. I do understand that this is not the case is every soldier, however it should be. There is no draft and no one is forced to be fighting. If enlisting in the armed forces was to get an education or to avoid whatever life they were living prior to war, these soldiers were acting outside of their conscious. I am not in the war, this is a conscious decision, both as a quaker and objectivist.
This is where my thought process comes from when I say I would be horrified if a democratic canidate was elected into office. I believe, as a quaker and an objectivist, that this country is acting in such a way that nulls the greatest virtues a country should have; it would be acting unconsciously. We must understand where we are and how we got here. Even if we believe the intentions were wrong (which I may), we cannot simply run. It is not RATIONAL, it is completely UNPRODUCTIVE and, as a country, we will have sent our troops over for nothing and will have wasted time, lives, money and effort. Also, as citizens we must be proud of our country. Right now, I believe that means accepting what we have done as wrong but understanding that we may still be able to make it right and we should do that to the best of our ability... even if it means more time, lives, money.		  
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unexpected free gifts   
08:01pm 15/03/2008
 
mood: chipper
i love free stuff.

today i went through the drivethru at starbucks and pulled around, waited for what seemed to be a normal time to wait behind some other car and pulled up to pay... the guy hands me a coupon for a free coffee and says "im so sorry for making you wait so long." sweet.

then i go to the sprint store to buy a new phone charger and the woman asked how she could help me. i told her i didnt think my charger worked, but it also may be the connection because there was a lot of dust and stuff in it from work... she takes it in the back, cleans the whole thing out and hands me a charger. i asked how much it would cost and she said not to worry about it. sweet.

a few days ago one of the guys knocked on my car window after work and i thought he was going to ask me to cover a shift or something, but instead he hands me a joint. i smoked half of it that day... i think ill go smoke the rest of it now. sweeeeeet.

now i just need the other mexican to get me more vicadin. maybe he'll show up with some. that would be.... yeah you can fill in the blank. =)		  
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topic at hand   
11:03pm 13/03/2008
  its nice to be able to talk to someone who shares a similar PAST. but its hard to deal with the fact im still attracted to guys like him instead of the guys i should be attracted to.

i talked to isaac. i told him it would cost 110 dollars for a one way ticket from new york to cincinati. i should have added that the ticket would cancel out his long standing debt with me, but i felt like enjoying the moment. i still dont acknowledge that he changed his name.

kentucky is beautiful. and i love spring.		  
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agressively   
08:55pm 01/03/2008
  i need someone i can trust.

i have trust issues. not suprisingly. maybe because alot of the guys i know w/ girlfriends cheat on them... maybe because, although i never "trusted" isaac, i was involved with him and that didnt help the situation.... maybe because of my own behavior/cheating... whatever it is, i have issues.

lately ive felt like i could be in a situation where people could trust me. i trust myself to not mess with people anymore.


but.


i think one of the worst feelings is when someone hurts you, then asks what they can do to fix what they broke, then proceeds to do the exact opposite of what they promised behind your back... and lie to you again. i never was that cold.

and whats the point of even bringing it up when all they are going to do is fake an apology and think up another chain of lies they can throw your way?

i dont care if our relationship ended a long long time ago, trust applies to friendship too.

seriously, i need a guy who is like training wheels on a bike. someone who can teach me from the bottom up and help me up when i fall over and over. maybe someone whose only appealing trait is that they are as true as the sky is blue. where can i find someone like that?		  
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this day in history...   
09:44pm 12/02/2008
  ... was improved upon this year.

which isnt saying much, but i got through it. and without taking a bunch of painkillers which was my plan.

conversations helped. especially because they didnt revolve around the topics i've been thinking about relating to this day.

i have been trying to figure out how to tell someone exactly what they mean to me. ive been trying to figure out how to tell them for probably 7 or 8 years. i feel as if we are the same person and at one point we hit a fork in the road and went different directions. i want to tell them that i live for them and i feel as if their blood runs through my veins. that they are the single most influencial person in my life and i owe everything i have to them (and a very select few others). i want them to know how much i value what they have taught me, which is more that ive learned in any formal education. but how do you tell someone that when everyone else is telling them how much wrong theyve done. and would they even want to hear it. we both have a tendency of being emotional trainwrecks.



i still hate valentines day. i need a nice boy.		  
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dear....   
08:46pm 09/02/2008
  i want to call you to tell you that im not crazy anymore. but i have to stop myself and wonder if i still am for thinking you ever noticed i was.
or maybe i am for having to hold myself back, since i know i've always been that little tug on your tailfeather (when i wasn't just that easy lay).

now the only thought that haunts me is that question of was it you, relating to him (where he is), was it your drugs that paralyzed us both.

forgive me, its just these days, in this month, with all this time to wonder, i think about everyone. everyone haunts me, not just you. your just the hardest one to figure out, even when i tell myself theres nothing there. there never was. i want to call you and tell you that you dont, and never did, matter, or atleast that ive gotten better at lying, and that i dont wear my beat up heart on my sleave anymore.		  
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09:11pm 31/01/2008
  he looked better then, than he does now. ... then again, they all seemed to.

except for a few that look better now that i know them. personality seems to do that from time to time.

yet i remember i have that slight problem of looking for beauty where there may not be any, or atleast none worth looking that deeply for.

------------------------------------------------

theres a memory i have that is more vivid than almost any other. its approaching two years now. i remember buying chocolate, sitting with a friend and watching a movie when i got this feeling i didn't know at the time. i mean, i had some idea what it was because, i mean, it shot right through me... similar to what, i imagine, a bullet from a rifle would feel like going through my ribs and into my heart. and the memory came two days later and i went running into his arms. the irony of it, you know. sometimes its who you love that brings your world down but saves you still.

ill always remember that day, two days after it happened and two days after that. the feeling has changed now though, it no longer shoots through me, but rather squeezes me, like, i imagine, it would feel like to be constricted by a boa. and i think it hurts worse.		  
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whore   
12:31am 30/01/2008
  its strange how life just goes.

sometimes i think that if i listed things ive done or just timelined my life briefly, the events would look alot more dramatic than they are. but the truth is, they just happen... come and go. strikes and gutters

bad ideas. old habits usually find a way of returning. and sometimes it feels good when it reenters the bloodstream.


cocaine.		  
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who cares if its right?   
07:09pm 20/01/2008
  so i just realized i can get wireless from the network "curry" in the comfort of my bed. this could be dangerous.

i woke up and checked the weather this morning. 6 degrees outside. with windchills at -5. since i work outside 80% of the day, and in unheated barns the other 20%... it was alittle uncomfortable.

the other thing that is uncomfortable is this pit in my stomach caused by thinking too much of "him." and of time. and of how far i've come, only with these little memories i cant shake loose, that might pull at my coat tails, until i fall back down. and the realization of falling down might be an unattainable option. that that "down" is actually where i'd love to be, tonight, but that is not ever going to be possible, again.


so i need a boyfriend. sleeping alone gets old, especially when its cold.		  
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09:31am 25/12/2007
  i was talking to someone about how humans, and primates, are the only living things in which cruelty really comes naturally. at first i tended to disagree but after thinking about it a little longer i realized how true this is. where as most animals use cruelty as a means of survival (such as hunting for food, defending young, etc), humans really do seem to be bad at heart.
if you look at children, i think everyone realizes that they must be told not to do certain things or treat their peers certain ways. whereas, if you look at young animals (atleast many of them), they depend on their elders to get taught how to attain food and get taught how to survive. its interesting to think about how society blames parents or upbringing if someone becomes a serial killer or is just "sick." a human may be able to live without parental supervision but now has to account for never being taught good from their natural evil.
i tend to look for good in a lot of people, however maybe instead i should look at the absence of evil? its a very depressing way to look at it but maybe good really does need to be taught.
my friend who brought this to my attention said that it is sad that intelligent life is so cruel, which comes as a true enlightening moment as i try to understand people.

merry christmas!!! =)		  
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no win situation fuckin with them   
01:37am 23/12/2007
  "you can love a lot of people in your life, but you cant live with most of them. chose carefully."

design.

i hope the one i love (tonight) is okay. i realized i couldnt live with him a long time ago, i wish everyone could have been that obvious. ill still wake up thinking about him in the morning.		  
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why did i leave   
04:15pm 20/12/2007
  one night after i got home, i watched a movie with my parents about a woman with alzheimers. the setting seemed familiar, some of the habits seemed familiar, some of the words id heard were the same as the words i heard my grandmother say.
today i knocked on my grandmothers door, walked in and as soon as i did i realized the expression on my grandmothers face was one that was hiding something. it almost said, 'please sit down, talk, although ive never seen you in my life, we can talk about the snow, and ill do my best to tell myself you belong her.' i told her about my mom, she knew who she was but didnt believe i was her daughter. i told her about my cats, and how they lived with my mom, her daughter... she said she didnt think so. i told her where i went to school, that i was home for christmas, that i ride horses.... no recollection.
i cried tears on my drive home that i never expected to cry. i knew this was inevitable with her condition but nothing can prepare someone for the feeling that one of the most important people in their lives... has no idea who they are. it could, quite possibly, be the worst feeling in the world.

at one point i know she saw tears in my eyes, she started crying too, and told me it was because her throat hurt so bad. she got up and looked for her cat. when i look at her (in pictures of when she was young, how she was when i knew her before, and even now) i see myself more than i see myself in anyone else.		  
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yes   
05:24pm 17/12/2007
  the cake im going to have tonight is better than sex. better than the best sex ive ever had.

it is true.		  
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yup   
11:24am 15/12/2007
  i havent caught up with the pace back here yet. things are different here, im not working over 50 hours a week, but i still feel more exausted here than i did in kentucky. i havent seen people i want to see, or i have, but not for the time i want to see them, and i feel like this last week has just slipped through me.

ugh.		  
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